WARP to build lift into space – plans an eccentric orbit.

Okay, every political party needs to have an infrastructure policy and WARP is no exception. Most Australians live in cities, so this particular set of policies will focus on the cities, but fear not if you live in the country, WARP has not forgotten you. We will be releasing our policies for regional Australia soon.

But back to infrastructure; to address congestion WARP will supply each and every adult with a brand new personalised jetpack. This will make the commute into cities a lot less congested and hopefully a lot more exciting than sitting on public transport next to the guy who hasn’t showered, the woman whose perfume is threatening to suffocate you, or the teenager who is playing music so loud they will probably be deaf in 10 minutes, if they aren’t already. Free flying lessons (well a 3-page manual) will be included with the flat-pack self-assembly jetpacks. If you end up with a screw left over, it’s probably not going to be important…happy flying.

WARP will fund this policy through printing money, yes, printing money, and then unilaterally revaluing the proposed new WAD to make it worth $US 1000, after all, nobody seems to have worked out any serious economic solution to the world economy so this will have as much chance of working as anything else. If this policy doesn’t get us elected, then I’ll eat my hat, but only if it’s made out of a loaf of bread or a watermelon.

However, we don’t have all our eggs in one basket – no sir. Our second policy is to invest in the development of flying carpets, as this will result in a significant reduction in carbon emissions (other than those from the terrified flyers). We have already been on fact-finding missions to Oman, Turkey, and Iran to investigate options. These missions will be retrospectively charged to the taxpayer if we are elected.

But the main plank of our infrastructure policy is that WARP will commit build a bloody big tower somewhere in Perth – at least a 1000 metres high. We’re sick of not being on the list of the world’s tallest buildings and we’re dying to be able to go abroad and say ‘We’ve got a bigger one than you!’

In addition to this we will:

  • Build loads of railways;
  • Build a canal to bring water down from the Kimberley, or Indonesia if you like, or perhaps we’ll tow a few icebergs up from the South Pole;
  • Build a spaceship to take people to Mars;
  • Build a space station on Mars so said people don’t immediately die on arrival; and
  • Build a replica of the Starship Enterprise and send people out into space to boldly go where nobody has gone before, and maybe even come back.

Of course, going into the future to constructing a lift into space connecting Australia to the universe. At the top of this lift will be a ministerial office for the Minister for Interplanetary Affairs. This Minister will be in charge of all silly and inane ideas and will be formally addressed as The Space Cadet.

These projects will provide huge numbers of jobs for anybody silly enough to get involved in them, thus also solving the unemployment problem. So vote WARP for loads of infrastructure and millions of jobs.

Stay tuned for more WARPed policy next week when we will address our commitment to regional Australia.

VOTE WARP – the only party to get serious about building The Enterprise.

 

 

 

Vote WARP – for a cabinet of comedians

So, with an election yet to be formally announced by a government yet to formally do much at all, I think it is time for WARP to unveil another of its innovative moves.

WARP reiterates its commit to electoral reform and will recycle its policy of having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.

WARP will create a number of new ministries should it be elected, and these ministries will be filled by people appointed by WARP whether they agree to it or not. Why would they not wish to serve their country? This is the next logical step from WARP’s policy that allows people to add an extra box onto their ballot paper should they not wish to vote for any of the official candidates. So what will the new ministries be and who will be in them? As a democratic sort of fellow I will allow people to change portfolios, however, they have to come with the best to do so – a joke policy will do as it seems to be the way to do things these days.

Minister for Common Sense – Waleed Aly
Minister for the Silent Majority – Kitty Flanagan
Minister for Grumpy Old Men – Steve Price
Minister for Space Cadets and Whatever Planet he Currently Resides On – Barnaby Joyce
Minister for Arts End of Australia – Julia Zemiro
Minister for ‘Special Projects’ – Ross Noble
Minister for Brainfarts – Rob Sitch
Minister for Interrogation – Tom Gleeson
Minister for Monsters and ‘Splosions – John Birmingham
Minister for Miscellany – Barry Humphreys
Minister for Deflecting the Blame – Peter Hellier

 
Some of you may have noticed that many of these Ministers are comedians, and what of it? The country has been run by clowns for the last few governments, so it must be time for the comedians.

 

VOTE WARP – TO GET YOUR BRAINFARTS NOTICED

VOTE WARP – FOR A TAX ON LYCRA IN THE OFFICE

Time for another policy release. WARP doesn’t bother waiting for the election to be called before releasing a policy, no, we get in on the ground floor and plummet to the basement early.

What has been exercising WARP’s mind recently is tax. Yes, you heard correctly – TAX! What is that all about? Negative Gearing, Capital Gains Tax, Income Tax, Company Tax, Sales Tax, GST…the list is endless and WARP commites to do something about it.

Vote WARP for the abolition of ALL OF THESE TAXES! Yes, you heard correctly, we’re going to get rid of them all.

And we are unashamedly going to replace them with, to quote Toned Abs, one GREAT BIG NEW TAX and a few others tat I’m sure you’ll support. Our tax policy is below.

Our GREAT BIG NEW TAX is to place a levy on the use of oxygen. This way there will be more efficient use of our planet’s most valuable gas. So, basically, if you get up and spout off about all sorts of shit, we’ll tax the buggery out of you. If, on the other hand, you stay quietly at home and let us get on with running the country, you’ll pay less tax. However, if you spend time extolling the virtues of WARP we tax the shit of you too. WARP hates people who suck up to us – it’s nauseating.

  • WARP will tax political donations at a rate of 200%. If you have enough money to waste on donation to political parties, then you clearly have too much money. WARP will send that money into the coffers of the country. This tax includes such activities as fund-raising dinners and donations from lobby groups. Such ridiculous use of money means you can afford to donate as much again to the tax office.
  • WARP will also slap a tax on over-priced wine at a rate of 50%, payable by the producer. Nobody should have to be surprised by shit wine when they have paid a reasonable price for it. WARP will advertise for new employees if elected. These people will work for the tax office and will come from all walks of life. The only selection criteria will be that they ‘like a drop of vino.’
  • And yeah! There’s nothing wrose than lyrca in the office on a morning, so WARP will tax the wearing of lycra in the office at $100 a time.
  • And finally, WARP will tax the income of politicians at 100%. They should be there or the love of it! We will however, make sure the perks more than make up for this.

tax

More next week

 

George.

VOTE WARP – for a faster future

WARP, the voice of the right-thinking silent majority is gearing for the coming election, having expanded from a West Australian focus to the national stage. WARP is going to embrace the Double Dissolution election as we see it as an opportunity to get noticed and get changes happening. Yes indeed, WARP has a plan to re-mould Australia, and possibly even get rid of the Cling-ons in the Senate. Our first set of policy positions are outlined below.

  • If we get elected we will redraw the boundaries (see map), as we believe this best reflects the will of the right-thinking silent majority who would agree that the current situation is un-Australian. This new map is more Australian in the eyes of WARP and right-thinking silent majority it represents. Click on the map for a good close look! I’m sure you’ll be supportive.

warp maps

  • The first thing WARP would do once elected, after realigning the various boundaries would be to apply the technology that allows companies to run mines remotely from Perth, to government. WARP would run Canberra remotely from Perth from the basement of a building somewhere in the CBD. It is clearly possible to run Canberra remotely as Tony Abbott has proved from various places around the world.
  • As I recently discovered to my cost a large beer costs $11. This is intolerable. So after surveying a broad cross-section of the community to see if such a policy would pass the ‘pub test’ WARP will address this matter. WARP commits to including beer on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme as this will make it more affordable.
  • Following this we would rename the dollar, the West Australian Dollar, to be known as the WAD, because everybody wants a WAD of cash in their pocket, don’t they?

And finally, we are honoured to have recruited The Honourable Lord Barr-Studd from the House of Lords in the UK following his recent ‘retirement’. He will be our El Presidente of the party – the committee (Me) accepted his offer. He seems to tick all the boxes…he knows nothing about Australia, is a long way away, and has no grip on reality.  All he has to do is tell everybody how great Australia, mostly Western Australia, is (he can make stuff up if he likes), take long trips overseas, and make sporadic appearances in the tabloids after yet another ‘lapse of judgement’ and subsequent scandal. He will be able to live in the soon-to-be Canberra funded mansion to be built in the Cocos Islands once we ascend to power. His biography is here.

 

More next week

George

WARP enters the election race – for the election – date to be advised

As it is clear that Australian is heading to the polls – eventually, maybe sooner than later, in true political style WARP is recycling its policy platform for the coming election and this is our manifesto…

We promise to lower income taxes

We promise to lower business taxes

We promise to reduce the deficit

We promise to solve the refugee problem – well at least find a good excuse to not solve it

We promise to give free education

We promise to give free health care

We promise to have a strong defence policy

We promise to stay in Eurovision

We promise to leave Eurovision

We promise that there is life on Mars, and maybe even in Western Australia too

We promise world peace, or at least peace in Canberra

We promise that all lawyers are nice people

And accountants and real estate agents and bankers too, but possibly not politicians, even us

We promise to prove that unicorns really do exist

We promise to ban reality TV and that annoying fixation on food and renovation programs

We promise to keep Johnny Depp’s dogs alive should they revisit Australia

We promise to attend to your every need, whatever that might be

We promise to review all our promises should we be elected and see reality; and finally

Should we be elected, we promise to find numerous ways to deny we ever made any promises in the first place

 

So….VOTE FOR WARP – get the Australia up to WARP FACTOR 10!

For convenience we have a manual for all aspiring politicians who want to jump on our bandwagon, even though it only has three wheels –  More Gravy Please!

http://www.moregravyplease.wordpress.com

WARP’s election promises

WARP will run in the UK 2015 election under the Wessex Articulated Ridiculous Party and this is our manifesto…

We promise to lower income taxes

We promise to lower business taxes

We promise to reduce the deficit

We promise to give free education

We promise to give free health care

We promise to stay in Europe

We promise to leave Europe

We promise that there is life on Mars

We promise world peace

We promise that all lawyers are nice people

And accountants and real estate agents and bankers too

We promise to review all our promises should we be elected and see reality; and finally

Should we be elected, we promise to find numerous ways to deny we ever made any promises in the first place

 

So….VOTE FOR WARP – get the UK up to WARP FACTOR 10!

 

 

WARP’s public transport policy

Yes, after some lengthy time without a policy in sight, a bit like the modern political party that it aspires to be, WARP has dived head-first into the quagmire, road rage incidents, and tailback that is public transport in Perth.

Acknowledging that:
a) there are too many cars on the road,
b) there aren’t enough trains or buses,
c) the taxi problem hasn’t yet been sorted out,
d) we haven’t embraced bicycle infrastructure like other cities; and
e) no political party wants to invest in light-rail or anything that will bring benefits after their term in government,

WARP will supply each and every adult with a brand new personalised jetpack. This will make the commute to Perth a lot less congested and hopefully a lot more exciting than sitting on public transport next to the guy who hasn’t showered, the woman whose perfume is threatening to suffocate you, or the teenager who is playing music so loud they will probably be deaf in 10 minutes, if they aren’t already.

WARP will fund this policy through printing money, yes, printing money and then unilaterally revaluing the proposed new Western Australian Bluesky Dollar to make it worth $US 1000, after all, nobody seems to have worked out any serious economic solution to the world economy so this will have as much chance of working as anything else.

If this policy doesn’t get us elected, then I’ll eat my hat, but only if it’s made out of a loaf of bread.

WARP fires up the dilithium crystal for the Senate election

Yes it’s time to release more WARPed policies.

If elected WARP will promote politicians commensurate with the amount of hot air they produce…oh shit, I think that’s what happens now. Forget that one.

If elected WARP will Stop the Peers! Yes, that’s it. Stop the Peers.

If elected WARP will make the party whips dress in leather and carry real whips – that should liven up parliament a bit.

That’s enough for now!

Vote WARP to get WA up to warp factor Clive – sorry, I meant 5.

George

WARP navel gazes, releases new policies

Okay then, we’re getting into this WA Senate election lark. After our previous post we went away and did some navel-gazing. Unfortunately all we saw was a bit of belly-button fluff. Once that was removed, it was time to devise some more cutting edge policies! We thought – what would be ban if we were elected (or could be bothered to stand for election). So here goes

WARP is committed to the following actions when it gains its rightful place in the Senate:

– Ban all loud people on public transport (you know who you are!)
– Ban all right-angles from architecture – this will make buildings far more aesthetically pleasing.
– Ban all swear-words. We acknowledge this may cause tension, so as the word MUTTOCKS! will be permissible as a replacement.
– Ban all cooking and home renovation programmes from TV. These will be replaced by live feeds showing grass growing and paint drying. Nobody will notice the difference.
– Ban all political parties that persist in taking the piss out of the public with disingenuous statements, 3-word slogans, by stabbing leaders in the back, wasting time with petty political games when there’s a country that needs running, and also making vacuous policy statements.

It’s WA Senate Election time…

Time for a WARPed policy announcement!

If WARP could be bothered getting off its arse and register as a political party and stand for election, rather than go down the beach and count sharks, it would make the following policy announcement.

If elected, the Western Australian Revolutionary Party would,

– build a snow-capped mountain range to the east of Perth
– recycle all the hot air produced in Parliament
– provide a paddle to all those up shit creek without one
– transmute lead into gold
– make all politicians dress like the clowns they are – red noses and all!
– commit to honour at least 50% of its promises (not sure about this one though)
– institute compulsory siestas
– have ‘beach leave’ as a standard employment condition
– allow voters to vote for anybody, whether they’ve nominated or not
– commence a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

More to come later, if we can be bothered. For a full policy suite, see the previous posts!