The Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) will stand for the interests of all Western Australians, whether they like it or not. We are particularly keen on appealing to the right-thinking silent majority, because it stands to reason that it would be un-Westralian not to appeal to these people, although we have as yet not defined what being un-Westralian actually means. There are a number of key policies that form a platform on which we will run to get the state up to WARP speed.
To make sure it understands the electorate’s needs, WARP will guarantee that it will walk a mile in everybody’s shoes. To ensure this is possible the party will begin a campaign of doorknocking to ascertain the shoe size of everybody in WA. Once this has been done, we will send an appropriately sized party member to your door, equipped with a properly calibrated pedometer and borrow your shoes for a one mile walk. We expect this to take some time, as party membership is currently quite small and the range of foot sizes is therefore limited (and we don’t want to get blisters from this exercise), so please be patient with us.
WARP – Key Policies
- Western Australia secede from Australia and form a separate country that will be known as the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA. All those who disagree with this will be designated as un-Westralian and will be excluded from voting in any future elections.
- Form the Westralian Definition Committee which will spend a great deal of time and taxpayers money trying to discover what the term un-Westralian actually means.
- WARP will ensure that there are 48 revolutions per year in WA, one each week (there will be 4 weeks where no revolutions take place). These revolutions will consist of the government changing its mind on a policy within a week of announcing it, leaving the electorate in a permanent state of spin. One full spin cycle will equal one revolution.
- The WA parliament will be renamed the Western Australian Free Federal Legislature (WAFFL). Further:
- The members of WAFFL are to be known as Wafflers;
- Parliament will sit for a total of 16 weeks each year in what are to be known as Periods of WAFFL. It is during these sittings that all important issues will be debated and are unlikely to be resolved.
- Each Waffler will be fitted with a CO2 monitor to ensure that they produce the required amount of hot air expected of them. Failure to do so will result in a by-election for their seat.
- All Wafflers will be required to spend at least 2 weeks per year in Canberra extolling the virtues of the West.
- Each sitting of parliament will begin with the official politician’s prayer (see separate page).
- The Waffler who consistently emits the most hot air will known as the Prime Waffler.
- The Darling Range to be raised to a height of 2500 metres to ensure that the cold fronts blowing in off the Indian Ocean provide enough rain to:
- Fill all the dams with drinking water;
- Provide hydro-electricity for the State;
- Vastly improve the quality of farming land on the coastal plain and take pressure off the Wheat Belt by providing better river systems to provide irrigation water;
- Increase the number of tourists coming to WA with a ski-industry in the winter;
- Prevent the sun from shining too early in the morning and allowing everybody an extra half and hour in bed; and
- Improve the view to the east of Perth.
- Income tax will be abolished and the Mining Tax will be kept, and indeed increased, and used to fund all state works including the construction of a 3-mile wide trench on the eastern border of WA that will separate the state from the east by connecting the Southern Ocean to the Cambridge Gulf. This will henceforth be known as Shit Creek. Material excavated will be used to build up the Darling Range. Anybody found in Shit Creek without a paddle will be assumed to be trying illegally enter WA, or illegally leave WA (anybody trying to leave WA will obviously be delirious and not in their right mind). All such people will be sent to Leonora for processing and re-education, where they will be trained in the ways of the Sandgroper. This will include:
- Being able to tell the difference between Emu Bitter and Swan Draught in a blind tasting;
- Spending 6 months in the mining industry learning how to dig big holes;
- Admitting that the beaches in Perth are easily the best capital city beaches in the country;
- Expressing happiness that the shops are not open on Sunday;
- Prove that they can treat merging with other cars on the road as a race rather than a polite traffic manouvre;
- Not being happy unless they have a portrait of Dennis Lillee in their loungeroom;
- A sound knowledge of the history of this, the most exciting and dynamic place on the Australian continent; and
- Be utterly convinced that there is no better place to live than WA.
- Support of WA sporting teams will be compulsory and the following will apply:
- All public servants will be required to take Friday afternoons off when the National Cricket team is playing to go to the WACA and drink beer as the team yet again trounces the opposition.
- Membership of the West Coast Eagles or Fremantle Dockers will be compulsory for all residents.
- The slogan on the WA numberplate will return to the old favourite of State of Excitement as this is clearly the slogan that best describes the state.
- The Western Australian Flag to consist of a big black mining truck (with a surfboard and carton of beer attached to the side) on a background of two gold and two rusty iron vertical stripes.
- The environment will be abolished as it cannot be proven to be cost-effective.
- In deference to environmentalists, all the hot air produced by the WAFFL will be collected and used to power the City of Perth. It is envisaged that there will be power left over from this renewable energy source to power much of the rest of the state.
- The El Presidente of the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA has been chosen ahead of the following candidates, in order of preferance, and subject to availability and a rigorous interview process
1. Captain Jack Sparrow
2. Princess Leia
3. James T. Kirk
4. Theophilis P. Wildebeeste
5. Russell Woolf
6. …or maybe Dave Hughes
7. …has anybody got any other suggestions?
Guy, who runs The Red Pen of Doom blog (http://redpenofdoom.com/) has kindly volunteered to be El presidente…and the committee (Me) accepted his nomination. He seems to tick all the boxes…he knows nothing about Western Australia, is a long way away, and has a great sense of humour. All he has to do is tell everybody how great Western Australia is (he can make stuff up if he likes), take long trips overseas, and make sporadic appearances in the tabloids after yet another ‘lapse of judgement’ and subsequent scandal. They will be able to live in the Mining Tax funded mansion to be built in the Cocos Islands.
Some useful information for potential WARP MPs can be found in the pages listed at the top left-hand corner of this post.
George, current party leader, can be contacted at email@example.com