Monthly Archives: February 2013

WARP get’s serious about policy

Okay, in the previous two weeks WARP has released its policies on electoral reform and also new ministerial offices, together with talking like pirates, energy conservation, zombies, and many other crucial issues for today’s society – now it’s time to raise the level of the debate, to get serious. It should be noted that WARP is an apolitical political party.

WARP intends to:

  • Build a bloody big tower somewhere in Perth – at least a 1000 metres high. We’re sick of not being on the list of the world’s tallest buildings and we’re dying to be able to go abroad and say ‘We’ve got a bigger one than you!’

 

  • Instigate a compulsory siesta during the summer months. This siesta will run from 12 mid-day to 4pm and, although it will not be compulsory, it will be considered un-Western Australia to work through this period.

 

  • Award an extra week of leave to every  West Australian. This leave will be called Beach Leave, and all who take it are expected to spend it at the beach. WARP, if elected, will subsidise 5 trips to the beach each year. We will be checking up on you.

 

  • Make it an offence to say that Perth is boring. Only boring people find Perth boring. There will be a 3-strike policy. If people are caught saying that Perth is boring three times they will be officially designated as un-Western Australian and have their citizenship revoked.

 

  • Publish an official ‘Gunna’ list. This will be a list of all the things WARP has promised it is gunna do that will mysteriously evaporate after the election and we will deny all knowledge of ever having promised them.

WARP will also insist that the following prayer be said at the beginning of every parliamentary sitting day.

The Official Politician’s Prayer

Our government, somehow elected
Delusion be our game.
My god we’re dumb
But there’s work to be done
And blame to be deflected.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our empty promises,
As we forgive those who make empty
  promises in response.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we have the Ministers,
With the power and the will
To speak bullshit
For ever and ever.
 Amen.

 Stay tuned for more policies!

More from the wobbly policy platform of WARP

Okay…not content with the first release of the 2013 WA election campaign, WARP is releasing a new set of policies. WARP used to be indecisive but we’re not so sure now, but what we are sure of are these hard-hitting new policies.

  •  WARP has seriously been considering electoral reform and will commit to having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.
  • WARP is serious about energy conservation. WARP will commit to installing pedal-powered computers in all government offices. This will not only reduce carbon emissions, but will ensure that all public servants get a good dose of exercise and keep themselves healthy so that they can maintain a good level of red-tape.
  • WARP believes that jargon is essential for the good politician, and so all politicians will receive a dictionary of acceptable jargon. However, certain terms will be banned as they are considered over-used and redundant. These phrases are: 
    –  Moving Forward
    –  Time-poor, and
    –  Anything with the word strategic in it.

 In fact WARP will be commencing a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

The State Election is Looming!

Yes, it’s coming and everybody is excited – including all of us here at WARP. In fact I can’t tell you how excited we are…it’s embarrassing.

However, as there is an election in the wind we thought that we needed to release a few policies, as that is what political parties do. So apart from our standard policies outlined already (see post below) and all non-negotiable, we commit to the following five policies to get Western Australia up to WARP speed. More will be released later in the campaign if we can be bothered.

If elected WARP will;

  • Require all new elected members to take part in a Zombie Lurch from William Street, up St Georges Terrace to Parliament. During this lurch they must moan in their best zombie voice – “Braiins!  Braains! I need Braains! “
  • Commit to constructing a lift into space connecting Western Australia to the universe. At the top of this lift will be a ministerial office for the Minister for Interplanetary Affairs. This Minister will be in charge of all silly and inane ideas and will be formally addressed as The Space Cadet.
  • Ease congestion in the city by investing significantly in the development of flying carpets, as this will result in a signficant reduction in carbon emmissions (other than those from the terrified flyers). We have already been on fact-finding missions to Oman, Turkey and Iran to investigate options. These missions will be restrospectively charged to the taxpayer if we are elected.
  • Require that elected members observe international Talk Like a Pirate Day no matter what they have scheduled for that day – Aaaarrrggghhh!
  • Stop the boats! – by pure power of will. We will put an army of  Jedi Knights trained at the Obi-wan Ben Kenobi School of Mind Control on the coast, and they will all be saying ‘This is not the country you’re looking for!’ We feel this has as much chance of success as any of the other current policies.