Monthly Archives: April 2016

WARP to build lift into space – plans an eccentric orbit.

Okay, every political party needs to have an infrastructure policy and WARP is no exception. Most Australians live in cities, so this particular set of policies will focus on the cities, but fear not if you live in the country, WARP has not forgotten you. We will be releasing our policies for regional Australia soon.

But back to infrastructure; to address congestion WARP will supply each and every adult with a brand new personalised jetpack. This will make the commute into cities a lot less congested and hopefully a lot more exciting than sitting on public transport next to the guy who hasn’t showered, the woman whose perfume is threatening to suffocate you, or the teenager who is playing music so loud they will probably be deaf in 10 minutes, if they aren’t already. Free flying lessons (well a 3-page manual) will be included with the flat-pack self-assembly jetpacks. If you end up with a screw left over, it’s probably not going to be important…happy flying.

WARP will fund this policy through printing money, yes, printing money, and then unilaterally revaluing the proposed new WAD to make it worth $US 1000, after all, nobody seems to have worked out any serious economic solution to the world economy so this will have as much chance of working as anything else. If this policy doesn’t get us elected, then I’ll eat my hat, but only if it’s made out of a loaf of bread or a watermelon.

However, we don’t have all our eggs in one basket – no sir. Our second policy is to invest in the development of flying carpets, as this will result in a significant reduction in carbon emissions (other than those from the terrified flyers). We have already been on fact-finding missions to Oman, Turkey, and Iran to investigate options. These missions will be retrospectively charged to the taxpayer if we are elected.

But the main plank of our infrastructure policy is that WARP will commit build a bloody big tower somewhere in Perth – at least a 1000 metres high. We’re sick of not being on the list of the world’s tallest buildings and we’re dying to be able to go abroad and say ‘We’ve got a bigger one than you!’

In addition to this we will:

  • Build loads of railways;
  • Build a canal to bring water down from the Kimberley, or Indonesia if you like, or perhaps we’ll tow a few icebergs up from the South Pole;
  • Build a spaceship to take people to Mars;
  • Build a space station on Mars so said people don’t immediately die on arrival; and
  • Build a replica of the Starship Enterprise and send people out into space to boldly go where nobody has gone before, and maybe even come back.

Of course, going into the future to constructing a lift into space connecting Australia to the universe. At the top of this lift will be a ministerial office for the Minister for Interplanetary Affairs. This Minister will be in charge of all silly and inane ideas and will be formally addressed as The Space Cadet.

These projects will provide huge numbers of jobs for anybody silly enough to get involved in them, thus also solving the unemployment problem. So vote WARP for loads of infrastructure and millions of jobs.

Stay tuned for more WARPed policy next week when we will address our commitment to regional Australia.

VOTE WARP – the only party to get serious about building The Enterprise.





Vote WARP – for a cabinet of comedians

So, with an election yet to be formally announced by a government yet to formally do much at all, I think it is time for WARP to unveil another of its innovative moves.

WARP reiterates its commit to electoral reform and will recycle its policy of having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.

WARP will create a number of new ministries should it be elected, and these ministries will be filled by people appointed by WARP whether they agree to it or not. Why would they not wish to serve their country? This is the next logical step from WARP’s policy that allows people to add an extra box onto their ballot paper should they not wish to vote for any of the official candidates. So what will the new ministries be and who will be in them? As a democratic sort of fellow I will allow people to change portfolios, however, they have to come with the best to do so – a joke policy will do as it seems to be the way to do things these days.

Minister for Common Sense – Waleed Aly
Minister for the Silent Majority – Kitty Flanagan
Minister for Grumpy Old Men – Steve Price
Minister for Space Cadets and Whatever Planet he Currently Resides On – Barnaby Joyce
Minister for Arts End of Australia – Julia Zemiro
Minister for ‘Special Projects’ – Ross Noble
Minister for Brainfarts – Rob Sitch
Minister for Interrogation – Tom Gleeson
Minister for Monsters and ‘Splosions – John Birmingham
Minister for Miscellany – Barry Humphreys
Minister for Deflecting the Blame – Peter Hellier

Some of you may have noticed that many of these Ministers are comedians, and what of it? The country has been run by clowns for the last few governments, so it must be time for the comedians.




Time for another policy release. WARP doesn’t bother waiting for the election to be called before releasing a policy, no, we get in on the ground floor and plummet to the basement early.

What has been exercising WARP’s mind recently is tax. Yes, you heard correctly – TAX! What is that all about? Negative Gearing, Capital Gains Tax, Income Tax, Company Tax, Sales Tax, GST…the list is endless and WARP commites to do something about it.

Vote WARP for the abolition of ALL OF THESE TAXES! Yes, you heard correctly, we’re going to get rid of them ALL!

And we are unashamedly going to replace them with, to quote Toned Abs, one GREAT BIG NEW TAX and a few others that I’m sure you’ll support. Our tax policy is below.

Our GREAT BIG NEW TAX is to place a levy on the use of oxygen. This way there will be more efficient use of our planet’s most valuable gas. So, basically, if you get up and spout off about all sorts of shit, we’ll tax the buggery out of you. If, on the other hand, you stay quietly at home and let us get on with running the country, you’ll pay less tax. However, if you spend time extolling the virtues of WARP we tax the shit of you too. WARP hates people who suck up to us – it’s nauseating.

  • WARP will tax political donations at a rate of 200%. If you have enough money to waste on donation to political parties, then you clearly have too much money. WARP will send that money into the coffers of the country. This tax includes such activities as fund-raising dinners and donations from lobby groups. Such ridiculous use of money means you can afford to donate as much again to the tax office.
  • WARP will also slap a tax on over-priced wine at a rate of 50%, payable by the producer. Nobody should have to be surprised by shit wine when they have paid a reasonable price for it. WARP will advertise for new employees if elected. These people will work for the tax office and will come from all walks of life. The only selection criteria will be that they ‘like a drop of vino.’
  • And yeah! There’s nothing worse than lyrca in the office on a morning, so WARP will tax the wearing of lycra in the office at $100 a time.
  • And finally, WARP will tax the income of politicians at 100%. They should be there or the love of it! We will however, make sure the perks more than make up for this.