It’s WA Senate Election time…

Time for a WARPed policy announcement!

If WARP could be bothered getting off its arse and register as a political party and stand for election, rather than go down the beach and count sharks, it would make the following policy announcement.

If elected, the Western Australian Revolutionary Party would,

– build a snow-capped mountain range to the east of Perth
– recycle all the hot air produced in Parliament
– provide a paddle to all those up shit creek without one
– transmute lead into gold
– make all politicians dress like the clowns they are – red noses and all!
– commit to honour at least 50% of its promises (not sure about this one though)
– institute compulsory siestas
– have ‘beach leave’ as a standard employment condition
– allow voters to vote for anybody, whether they’ve nominated or not
– commence a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

More to come later, if we can be bothered. For a full policy suite, see the previous posts!

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WARP to tackle Greenghouse Gas Emissions by banning all CO2

WARP will abolish the gas Carbon Dioxide altogether. Any person found to be emitting CO2 will face a fine of $1000 dollars on the spot. The policy will be called the Demented Action Plan. All officers charged with enforcing it will be called Dementors.

We are not sure how we will deal with everyday breathing, but we’re working on it. At the very last, such on-the-spot fines will fund all of the rest of our promises forever. It looks like a sustainable business plan to us. We are sure that the Dementors will do a fine job.

WARP looking forward to thinking about possibly standing in the potential re-run of the WA senate election.

I think the title says it all, don’t you?

WARP will be (possibly) standing on a shaky jerrybuilt platform of chaos and confusion

Hoorah!

Time to re-name St George’s Terrace

Yes, I think there is one issue that has been missing from the current election campaign, and that is a distinct lack of references to Struggle Street!

I cannot think for the life of me why this is so. There I intend to remedy this with a new policy from WARP.

If we can get our arses in gear to ever stand for election, and in the unlikely event of our being elected, WARP will rename Adelaide Terrace and St Georges Terrace as one new road – Struggle Street.

This is in recognition of all who are struggling along on the meagre incomes such as those in the legal profession, politicians, banking and mining executives, insurance managers, and a swathe of other workers who are clearly not managing on $150,000 per year.

That’s all for now.

Time to bring out the big guns

Its only a week to the election so it’s time to break out the big guns. If elected WARP will:

  • Build shit loads of railways;
  • Build a canal to bring water down from the Kimberley, or Indonesia if you like, or perhaps we’ll tow a few icebergs up from the South Pole;
  • Build a spaceship to take people to Mars;
  • Build a space station on Mars so said people don’t immediately die on arrival;
  • Build a replica of the Starship Enterprise;
  • Send people out into space to boldy go where nobody has gone before, and maybe even come back;
  • Bring about world peace through a platform of graft and corruption;
  • Basically, we’ll do whatever you like if you vote for us;
  • We’re not even above buying your vote – just tell us what it costs…
  • Please vote for us!

WARP get’s serious about policy

Okay, in the previous two weeks WARP has released its policies on electoral reform and also new ministerial offices, together with talking like pirates, energy conservation, zombies, and many other crucial issues for today’s society – now it’s time to raise the level of the debate, to get serious. It should be noted that WARP is an apolitical political party.

WARP intends to:

  • Build a bloody big tower somewhere in Perth – at least a 1000 metres high. We’re sick of not being on the list of the world’s tallest buildings and we’re dying to be able to go abroad and say ‘We’ve got a bigger one than you!’

 

  • Instigate a compulsory siesta during the summer months. This siesta will run from 12 mid-day to 4pm and, although it will not be compulsory, it will be considered un-Western Australia to work through this period.

 

  • Award an extra week of leave to every  West Australian. This leave will be called Beach Leave, and all who take it are expected to spend it at the beach. WARP, if elected, will subsidise 5 trips to the beach each year. We will be checking up on you.

 

  • Make it an offence to say that Perth is boring. Only boring people find Perth boring. There will be a 3-strike policy. If people are caught saying that Perth is boring three times they will be officially designated as un-Western Australian and have their citizenship revoked.

 

  • Publish an official ‘Gunna’ list. This will be a list of all the things WARP has promised it is gunna do that will mysteriously evaporate after the election and we will deny all knowledge of ever having promised them.

WARP will also insist that the following prayer be said at the beginning of every parliamentary sitting day.

The Official Politician’s Prayer

Our government, somehow elected
Delusion be our game.
My god we’re dumb
But there’s work to be done
And blame to be deflected.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our empty promises,
As we forgive those who make empty
  promises in response.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we have the Ministers,
With the power and the will
To speak bullshit
For ever and ever.
 Amen.

 Stay tuned for more policies!

More from the wobbly policy platform of WARP

Okay…not content with the first release of the 2013 WA election campaign, WARP is releasing a new set of policies. WARP used to be indecisive but we’re not so sure now, but what we are sure of are these hard-hitting new policies.

  •  WARP has seriously been considering electoral reform and will commit to having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.
  • WARP is serious about energy conservation. WARP will commit to installing pedal-powered computers in all government offices. This will not only reduce carbon emissions, but will ensure that all public servants get a good dose of exercise and keep themselves healthy so that they can maintain a good level of red-tape.
  • WARP believes that jargon is essential for the good politician, and so all politicians will receive a dictionary of acceptable jargon. However, certain terms will be banned as they are considered over-used and redundant. These phrases are: 
    –  Moving Forward
    –  Time-poor, and
    –  Anything with the word strategic in it.

 In fact WARP will be commencing a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

The State Election is Looming!

Yes, it’s coming and everybody is excited – including all of us here at WARP. In fact I can’t tell you how excited we are…it’s embarrassing.

However, as there is an election in the wind we thought that we needed to release a few policies, as that is what political parties do. So apart from our standard policies outlined already (see post below) and all non-negotiable, we commit to the following five policies to get Western Australia up to WARP speed. More will be released later in the campaign if we can be bothered.

If elected WARP will;

  • Require all new elected members to take part in a Zombie Lurch from William Street, up St Georges Terrace to Parliament. During this lurch they must moan in their best zombie voice – “Braiins!  Braains! I need Braains! “
  • Commit to constructing a lift into space connecting Western Australia to the universe. At the top of this lift will be a ministerial office for the Minister for Interplanetary Affairs. This Minister will be in charge of all silly and inane ideas and will be formally addressed as The Space Cadet.
  • Ease congestion in the city by investing significantly in the development of flying carpets, as this will result in a signficant reduction in carbon emmissions (other than those from the terrified flyers). We have already been on fact-finding missions to Oman, Turkey and Iran to investigate options. These missions will be restrospectively charged to the taxpayer if we are elected.
  • Require that elected members observe international Talk Like a Pirate Day no matter what they have scheduled for that day – Aaaarrrggghhh!
  • Stop the boats! – by pure power of will. We will put an army of  Jedi Knights trained at the Obi-wan Ben Kenobi School of Mind Control on the coast, and they will all be saying ‘This is not the country you’re looking for!’ We feel this has as much chance of success as any of the other current policies.

Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) Policy Platform

The Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) will stand for the interests of all Western Australians, whether they like it or not. We are particularly  keen on appealing to the right-thinking silent majority, because it stands to reason that it would be un-Westralian not to appeal to these people, although we have as yet not defined what being un-Westralian actually means. There are a number of key policies that form a platform on which we will run to get the state up to WARP speed.

To make sure it understands the electorate’s needs, WARP will guarantee that it will walk a mile in everybody’s shoes. To ensure this is possible the party will begin a campaign of doorknocking to ascertain the shoe size of everybody in WA. Once this has been done, we will send an appropriately sized party member to your door, equipped with a properly calibrated pedometer and borrow your shoes for a one mile walk. We expect this to take some time, as party membership is currently quite small and the range of foot sizes is therefore limited (and we don’t want to get blisters from this exercise), so please be patient with us.

WARP – Key Policies

  • Western Australia secede from Australia and form a separate country that will be known as the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA. All those who disagree with this will be designated as un-Westralian and will be excluded from voting in any future elections.
  • Form the Westralian Definition Committee which will spend a great deal of time and taxpayers money trying to discover what the term un-Westralian actually means.
  •  WARP will ensure that there are 48 revolutions per year in WA, one each week (there will be 4 weeks where no revolutions take place). These revolutions will consist of the government changing its mind on a policy within a week of announcing it, leaving the electorate in a permanent state of spin. One full spin cycle will equal one revolution.
  • The WA parliament will be renamed the Western Australian Free Federal Legislature (WAFFL). Further:
    • The members of WAFFL are to be known as Wafflers;
    • Parliament will sit for a total of 16 weeks each year in what are to be known as Periods of WAFFL. It is during these sittings that all important issues will be debated and are unlikely to be resolved.
    • Each Waffler will be fitted with a CO2 monitor to ensure that they produce the required amount of hot air expected of them. Failure to do so will result in a by-election for their seat.
    • All Wafflers will be required to spend at least 2 weeks per year in Canberra extolling the virtues of the West.
    • Each sitting of parliament will begin with the official politician’s prayer (see separate page).
    • The Waffler who consistently emits the most hot air will known as the Prime Waffler.
  • The Darling Range to be raised to a height of 2500 metres to ensure that the cold fronts blowing in off the Indian Ocean provide enough rain to:
    • Fill all the dams with drinking water;
    • Provide hydro-electricity for the State;
    • Vastly improve the quality of farming land on the coastal plain and take pressure off the Wheat Belt by providing better river systems to provide irrigation water;
    • Increase the number of tourists coming to WA with a ski-industry in the winter;
    • Prevent the sun from shining too early in the morning and allowing everybody an extra half and hour in bed; and
    • Improve the view to the east of Perth.
  • Income tax will be abolished and the Mining Tax will be kept, and indeed increased, and used to fund all state works including the construction of a 3-mile wide trench on the eastern border of WA that will separate the state from the east by connecting the Southern Ocean to the Cambridge Gulf.  This will henceforth be known as Shit Creek.  Material excavated will be used to build up the Darling Range. Anybody found in Shit Creek without a paddle will be assumed to be trying illegally enter WA, or illegally leave WA (anybody trying to leave WA will obviously be delirious and not in their right mind). All such people will be sent to Leonora for processing and re-education, where they will be trained in the ways of the Sandgroper. This will include:
    • Being able to tell the difference between Emu Bitter and Swan Draught in a blind tasting;
    • Spending 6 months in the mining industry learning how to dig big holes;
    • Admitting that the beaches in Perth are easily the best capital city beaches in the country;
    • Expressing happiness that the shops are not open on Sunday;
    • Prove that they can treat merging with other cars on the road as a race rather than a polite traffic manouvre;
    • Not being happy unless they have a portrait of Dennis Lillee in their loungeroom;
    • A sound knowledge of the history of this, the most exciting and dynamic place on the Australian continent; and
    • Be utterly convinced that there is no better place to live than WA.
  • Support of WA sporting teams will be compulsory and the following will apply:
    • All public servants will be required to take Friday afternoons off when the National Cricket team is playing to go to the WACA and drink beer as the team yet again trounces the opposition.
    • Membership of the West Coast Eagles or Fremantle Dockers will be compulsory for all residents.
  • The slogan on the WA numberplate will return to the old favourite of State of Excitement as this is clearly the slogan that best describes the state.
  • The Western Australian Flag to consist of  a big black mining truck (with a surfboard and carton of beer attached to the side) on a  background of two gold and two rusty iron vertical stripes.
  • The environment will be abolished as it cannot be proven to be cost-effective.
  • In deference to environmentalists, all the hot air produced by the WAFFL will be collected and used to power the City of Perth. It is envisaged that there will be power left over from this renewable energy source to power much of the rest of the state.
  • The El Presidente of the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA has been chosen ahead of the following candidates, in order of preferance, and subject to availability and a rigorous interview process

1. Captain Jack Sparrow
2. Princess Leia
3. James T. Kirk
4. Theophilis P. Wildebeeste
5. Russell Woolf
6. …or maybe Dave Hughes
7. …has anybody got any other suggestions?

Guy, who runs The Red Pen of Doom blog (http://redpenofdoom.com/) has kindly volunteered to be El presidente…and the committee (Me) accepted his nomination. He seems to tick all the boxes…he knows nothing about Western Australia, is a long way away, and has a great sense of humour.  All he has to do is tell everybody how great Western Australia is (he can make stuff up if he likes), take long trips overseas, and make sporadic appearances in the tabloids after yet another ‘lapse of judgement’ and subsequent scandal. They will be able to live in the Mining Tax funded mansion to be built in the Cocos Islands.

Some useful information for potential WARP MPs can be found in the pages listed at the top left-hand corner of this post.

George, current party leader, can be contacted at george.fripley@yahoo.com.au