Tag Archives: election

Vote WARP – for a cabinet of comedians

So, with an election yet to be formally announced by a government yet to formally do much at all, I think it is time for WARP to unveil another of its innovative moves.

WARP reiterates its commit to electoral reform and will recycle its policy of having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.

WARP will create a number of new ministries should it be elected, and these ministries will be filled by people appointed by WARP whether they agree to it or not. Why would they not wish to serve their country? This is the next logical step from WARP’s policy that allows people to add an extra box onto their ballot paper should they not wish to vote for any of the official candidates. So what will the new ministries be and who will be in them? As a democratic sort of fellow I will allow people to change portfolios, however, they have to come with the best to do so – a joke policy will do as it seems to be the way to do things these days.

Minister for Common Sense – Waleed Aly
Minister for the Silent Majority – Kitty Flanagan
Minister for Grumpy Old Men – Steve Price
Minister for Space Cadets and Whatever Planet he Currently Resides On – Barnaby Joyce
Minister for Arts End of Australia – Julia Zemiro
Minister for ‘Special Projects’ – Ross Noble
Minister for Brainfarts – Rob Sitch
Minister for Interrogation – Tom Gleeson
Minister for Monsters and ‘Splosions – John Birmingham
Minister for Miscellany – Barry Humphreys
Minister for Deflecting the Blame – Peter Hellier

 
Some of you may have noticed that many of these Ministers are comedians, and what of it? The country has been run by clowns for the last few governments, so it must be time for the comedians.

 

VOTE WARP – TO GET YOUR BRAINFARTS NOTICED

VOTE WARP – FOR A TAX ON LYCRA IN THE OFFICE

Time for another policy release. WARP doesn’t bother waiting for the election to be called before releasing a policy, no, we get in on the ground floor and plummet to the basement early.

What has been exercising WARP’s mind recently is tax. Yes, you heard correctly – TAX! What is that all about? Negative Gearing, Capital Gains Tax, Income Tax, Company Tax, Sales Tax, GST…the list is endless and WARP commites to do something about it.

Vote WARP for the abolition of ALL OF THESE TAXES! Yes, you heard correctly, we’re going to get rid of them ALL!

And we are unashamedly going to replace them with, to quote Toned Abs, one GREAT BIG NEW TAX and a few others that I’m sure you’ll support. Our tax policy is below.

Our GREAT BIG NEW TAX is to place a levy on the use of oxygen. This way there will be more efficient use of our planet’s most valuable gas. So, basically, if you get up and spout off about all sorts of shit, we’ll tax the buggery out of you. If, on the other hand, you stay quietly at home and let us get on with running the country, you’ll pay less tax. However, if you spend time extolling the virtues of WARP we tax the shit of you too. WARP hates people who suck up to us – it’s nauseating.

  • WARP will tax political donations at a rate of 200%. If you have enough money to waste on donation to political parties, then you clearly have too much money. WARP will send that money into the coffers of the country. This tax includes such activities as fund-raising dinners and donations from lobby groups. Such ridiculous use of money means you can afford to donate as much again to the tax office.
  • WARP will also slap a tax on over-priced wine at a rate of 50%, payable by the producer. Nobody should have to be surprised by shit wine when they have paid a reasonable price for it. WARP will advertise for new employees if elected. These people will work for the tax office and will come from all walks of life. The only selection criteria will be that they ‘like a drop of vino.’
  • And yeah! There’s nothing worse than lyrca in the office on a morning, so WARP will tax the wearing of lycra in the office at $100 a time.
  • And finally, WARP will tax the income of politicians at 100%. They should be there or the love of it! We will however, make sure the perks more than make up for this.

tax

 

George.

Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) Policy Platform

The Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) will stand for the interests of all Western Australians, whether they like it or not. We are particularly  keen on appealing to the right-thinking silent majority, because it stands to reason that it would be un-Westralian not to appeal to these people, although we have as yet not defined what being un-Westralian actually means. There are a number of key policies that form a platform on which we will run to get the state up to WARP speed.

To make sure it understands the electorate’s needs, WARP will guarantee that it will walk a mile in everybody’s shoes. To ensure this is possible the party will begin a campaign of doorknocking to ascertain the shoe size of everybody in WA. Once this has been done, we will send an appropriately sized party member to your door, equipped with a properly calibrated pedometer and borrow your shoes for a one mile walk. We expect this to take some time, as party membership is currently quite small and the range of foot sizes is therefore limited (and we don’t want to get blisters from this exercise), so please be patient with us.

WARP – Key Policies

  • Western Australia secede from Australia and form a separate country that will be known as the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA. All those who disagree with this will be designated as un-Westralian and will be excluded from voting in any future elections.
  • Form the Westralian Definition Committee which will spend a great deal of time and taxpayers money trying to discover what the term un-Westralian actually means.
  •  WARP will ensure that there are 48 revolutions per year in WA, one each week (there will be 4 weeks where no revolutions take place). These revolutions will consist of the government changing its mind on a policy within a week of announcing it, leaving the electorate in a permanent state of spin. One full spin cycle will equal one revolution.
  • The WA parliament will be renamed the Western Australian Free Federal Legislature (WAFFL). Further:
    • The members of WAFFL are to be known as Wafflers;
    • Parliament will sit for a total of 16 weeks each year in what are to be known as Periods of WAFFL. It is during these sittings that all important issues will be debated and are unlikely to be resolved.
    • Each Waffler will be fitted with a CO2 monitor to ensure that they produce the required amount of hot air expected of them. Failure to do so will result in a by-election for their seat.
    • All Wafflers will be required to spend at least 2 weeks per year in Canberra extolling the virtues of the West.
    • Each sitting of parliament will begin with the official politician’s prayer (see separate page).
    • The Waffler who consistently emits the most hot air will known as the Prime Waffler.
  • The Darling Range to be raised to a height of 2500 metres to ensure that the cold fronts blowing in off the Indian Ocean provide enough rain to:
    • Fill all the dams with drinking water;
    • Provide hydro-electricity for the State;
    • Vastly improve the quality of farming land on the coastal plain and take pressure off the Wheat Belt by providing better river systems to provide irrigation water;
    • Increase the number of tourists coming to WA with a ski-industry in the winter;
    • Prevent the sun from shining too early in the morning and allowing everybody an extra half and hour in bed; and
    • Improve the view to the east of Perth.
  • Income tax will be abolished and the Mining Tax will be kept, and indeed increased, and used to fund all state works including the construction of a 3-mile wide trench on the eastern border of WA that will separate the state from the east by connecting the Southern Ocean to the Cambridge Gulf.  This will henceforth be known as Shit Creek.  Material excavated will be used to build up the Darling Range. Anybody found in Shit Creek without a paddle will be assumed to be trying illegally enter WA, or illegally leave WA (anybody trying to leave WA will obviously be delirious and not in their right mind). All such people will be sent to Leonora for processing and re-education, where they will be trained in the ways of the Sandgroper. This will include:
    • Being able to tell the difference between Emu Bitter and Swan Draught in a blind tasting;
    • Spending 6 months in the mining industry learning how to dig big holes;
    • Admitting that the beaches in Perth are easily the best capital city beaches in the country;
    • Expressing happiness that the shops are not open on Sunday;
    • Prove that they can treat merging with other cars on the road as a race rather than a polite traffic manouvre;
    • Not being happy unless they have a portrait of Dennis Lillee in their loungeroom;
    • A sound knowledge of the history of this, the most exciting and dynamic place on the Australian continent; and
    • Be utterly convinced that there is no better place to live than WA.
  • Support of WA sporting teams will be compulsory and the following will apply:
    • All public servants will be required to take Friday afternoons off when the National Cricket team is playing to go to the WACA and drink beer as the team yet again trounces the opposition.
    • Membership of the West Coast Eagles or Fremantle Dockers will be compulsory for all residents.
  • The slogan on the WA numberplate will return to the old favourite of State of Excitement as this is clearly the slogan that best describes the state.
  • The Western Australian Flag to consist of  a big black mining truck (with a surfboard and carton of beer attached to the side) on a  background of two gold and two rusty iron vertical stripes.
  • The environment will be abolished as it cannot be proven to be cost-effective.
  • In deference to environmentalists, all the hot air produced by the WAFFL will be collected and used to power the City of Perth. It is envisaged that there will be power left over from this renewable energy source to power much of the rest of the state.
  • The El Presidente of the Mostly Democratic Republic of WA has been chosen ahead of the following candidates, in order of preferance, and subject to availability and a rigorous interview process

1. Captain Jack Sparrow
2. Princess Leia
3. James T. Kirk
4. Theophilis P. Wildebeeste
5. Russell Woolf
6. …or maybe Dave Hughes
7. …has anybody got any other suggestions?

Guy, who runs The Red Pen of Doom blog (http://redpenofdoom.com/) has kindly volunteered to be El presidente…and the committee (Me) accepted his nomination. He seems to tick all the boxes…he knows nothing about Western Australia, is a long way away, and has a great sense of humour.  All he has to do is tell everybody how great Western Australia is (he can make stuff up if he likes), take long trips overseas, and make sporadic appearances in the tabloids after yet another ‘lapse of judgement’ and subsequent scandal. They will be able to live in the Mining Tax funded mansion to be built in the Cocos Islands.

Some useful information for potential WARP MPs can be found in the pages listed at the top left-hand corner of this post.

George, current party leader, can be contacted at george.fripley@yahoo.com.au