Tag Archives: WARP

VOTE WARP – FOR A TAX ON LYCRA IN THE OFFICE

Time for another policy release. WARP doesn’t bother waiting for the election to be called before releasing a policy, no, we get in on the ground floor and plummet to the basement early.

What has been exercising WARP’s mind recently is tax. Yes, you heard correctly – TAX! What is that all about? Negative Gearing, Capital Gains Tax, Income Tax, Company Tax, Sales Tax, GST…the list is endless and WARP commites to do something about it.

Vote WARP for the abolition of ALL OF THESE TAXES! Yes, you heard correctly, we’re going to get rid of them ALL!

And we are unashamedly going to replace them with, to quote Toned Abs, one GREAT BIG NEW TAX and a few others that I’m sure you’ll support. Our tax policy is below.

Our GREAT BIG NEW TAX is to place a levy on the use of oxygen. This way there will be more efficient use of our planet’s most valuable gas. So, basically, if you get up and spout off about all sorts of shit, we’ll tax the buggery out of you. If, on the other hand, you stay quietly at home and let us get on with running the country, you’ll pay less tax. However, if you spend time extolling the virtues of WARP we tax the shit of you too. WARP hates people who suck up to us – it’s nauseating.

  • WARP will tax political donations at a rate of 200%. If you have enough money to waste on donation to political parties, then you clearly have too much money. WARP will send that money into the coffers of the country. This tax includes such activities as fund-raising dinners and donations from lobby groups. Such ridiculous use of money means you can afford to donate as much again to the tax office.
  • WARP will also slap a tax on over-priced wine at a rate of 50%, payable by the producer. Nobody should have to be surprised by shit wine when they have paid a reasonable price for it. WARP will advertise for new employees if elected. These people will work for the tax office and will come from all walks of life. The only selection criteria will be that they ‘like a drop of vino.’
  • And yeah! There’s nothing worse than lyrca in the office on a morning, so WARP will tax the wearing of lycra in the office at $100 a time.
  • And finally, WARP will tax the income of politicians at 100%. They should be there or the love of it! We will however, make sure the perks more than make up for this.

tax

 

George.

VOTE WARP – for a faster future

WARP, the voice of the right-thinking silent majority is gearing for the coming election, having expanded from a West Australian focus to the national stage. WARP is going to embrace the Double Dissolution election as we see it as an opportunity to get noticed and get changes happening. Yes indeed, WARP has a plan to re-mould Australia, and possibly even get rid of the Cling-ons in the Senate. Our first set of policy positions are outlined below.

  • If we get elected we will redraw the boundaries (see map), as we believe this best reflects the will of the right-thinking silent majority who would agree that the current situation is un-Australian. This new map is more Australian in the eyes of WARP and right-thinking silent majority it represents. Click on the map for a good close look! I’m sure you’ll be supportive.

warp maps

  • The first thing WARP would do once elected, after realigning the various boundaries would be to apply the technology that allows companies to run mines remotely from Perth, to government. WARP would run Canberra remotely from Perth from the basement of a building somewhere in the CBD. It is clearly possible to run Canberra remotely as Tony Abbott has proved from various places around the world.
  • As I recently discovered to my cost a large beer costs $11. This is intolerable. So after surveying a broad cross-section of the community to see if such a policy would pass the ‘pub test’ WARP will address this matter. WARP commits to including beer on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme as this will make it more affordable.
  • Following this we would rename the dollar, the West Australian Dollar, to be known as the WAD, because everybody wants a WAD of cash in their pocket, don’t they?

And finally, we are honoured to have recruited The Honourable Lord Barr-Studd from the House of Lords in the UK following his recent ‘retirement’. He will be our El Presidente of the party – the committee (Me) accepted his offer. He seems to tick all the boxes…he knows nothing about Australia, is a long way away, and has no grip on reality.  All he has to do is tell everybody how great Australia, mostly Western Australia, is (he can make stuff up if he likes), take long trips overseas, and make sporadic appearances in the tabloids after yet another ‘lapse of judgement’ and subsequent scandal. He will be able to live in the soon-to-be Canberra funded mansion to be built in the Cocos Islands once we ascend to power. His biography is here.

 

More next week

George

WARP’s election promises

WARP will run in the UK 2015 election under the Wessex Articulated Ridiculous Party and this is our manifesto…

We promise to lower income taxes

We promise to lower business taxes

We promise to reduce the deficit

We promise to give free education

We promise to give free health care

We promise to stay in Europe

We promise to leave Europe

We promise that there is life on Mars

We promise world peace

We promise that all lawyers are nice people

And accountants and real estate agents and bankers too

We promise to review all our promises should we be elected and see reality; and finally

Should we be elected, we promise to find numerous ways to deny we ever made any promises in the first place

 

So….VOTE FOR WARP – get the UK up to WARP FACTOR 10!

 

 

WARP’s public transport policy

Yes, after some lengthy time without a policy in sight, a bit like the modern political party that it aspires to be, WARP has dived head-first into the quagmire, road rage incidents, and tailback that is public transport in Perth.

Acknowledging that:
a) there are too many cars on the road,
b) there aren’t enough trains or buses,
c) the taxi problem hasn’t yet been sorted out,
d) we haven’t embraced bicycle infrastructure like other cities; and
e) no political party wants to invest in light-rail or anything that will bring benefits after their term in government,

WARP will supply each and every adult with a brand new personalised jetpack. This will make the commute to Perth a lot less congested and hopefully a lot more exciting than sitting on public transport next to the guy who hasn’t showered, the woman whose perfume is threatening to suffocate you, or the teenager who is playing music so loud they will probably be deaf in 10 minutes, if they aren’t already.

WARP will fund this policy through printing money, yes, printing money and then unilaterally revaluing the proposed new Western Australian Bluesky Dollar to make it worth $US 1000, after all, nobody seems to have worked out any serious economic solution to the world economy so this will have as much chance of working as anything else.

If this policy doesn’t get us elected, then I’ll eat my hat, but only if it’s made out of a loaf of bread.

WARP navel gazes, releases new policies

Okay then, we’re getting into this WA Senate election lark. After our previous post we went away and did some navel-gazing. Unfortunately all we saw was a bit of belly-button fluff. Once that was removed, it was time to devise some more cutting edge policies! We thought – what would be ban if we were elected (or could be bothered to stand for election). So here goes

WARP is committed to the following actions when it gains its rightful place in the Senate:

– Ban all loud people on public transport (you know who you are!)
– Ban all right-angles from architecture – this will make buildings far more aesthetically pleasing.
– Ban all swear-words. We acknowledge this may cause tension, so as the word MUTTOCKS! will be permissible as a replacement.
– Ban all cooking and home renovation programmes from TV. These will be replaced by live feeds showing grass growing and paint drying. Nobody will notice the difference.
– Ban all political parties that persist in taking the piss out of the public with disingenuous statements, 3-word slogans, by stabbing leaders in the back, wasting time with petty political games when there’s a country that needs running, and also making vacuous policy statements.

It’s WA Senate Election time…

Time for a WARPed policy announcement!

If WARP could be bothered getting off its arse and register as a political party and stand for election, rather than go down the beach and count sharks, it would make the following policy announcement.

If elected, the Western Australian Revolutionary Party would,

– build a snow-capped mountain range to the east of Perth
– recycle all the hot air produced in Parliament
– provide a paddle to all those up shit creek without one
– transmute lead into gold
– make all politicians dress like the clowns they are – red noses and all!
– commit to honour at least 50% of its promises (not sure about this one though)
– institute compulsory siestas
– have ‘beach leave’ as a standard employment condition
– allow voters to vote for anybody, whether they’ve nominated or not
– commence a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

More to come later, if we can be bothered. For a full policy suite, see the previous posts!

WARP get’s serious about policy

Okay, in the previous two weeks WARP has released its policies on electoral reform and also new ministerial offices, together with talking like pirates, energy conservation, zombies, and many other crucial issues for today’s society – now it’s time to raise the level of the debate, to get serious. It should be noted that WARP is an apolitical political party.

WARP intends to:

  • Build a bloody big tower somewhere in Perth – at least a 1000 metres high. We’re sick of not being on the list of the world’s tallest buildings and we’re dying to be able to go abroad and say ‘We’ve got a bigger one than you!’

 

  • Instigate a compulsory siesta during the summer months. This siesta will run from 12 mid-day to 4pm and, although it will not be compulsory, it will be considered un-Western Australia to work through this period.

 

  • Award an extra week of leave to every  West Australian. This leave will be called Beach Leave, and all who take it are expected to spend it at the beach. WARP, if elected, will subsidise 5 trips to the beach each year. We will be checking up on you.

 

  • Make it an offence to say that Perth is boring. Only boring people find Perth boring. There will be a 3-strike policy. If people are caught saying that Perth is boring three times they will be officially designated as un-Western Australian and have their citizenship revoked.

 

  • Publish an official ‘Gunna’ list. This will be a list of all the things WARP has promised it is gunna do that will mysteriously evaporate after the election and we will deny all knowledge of ever having promised them.

WARP will also insist that the following prayer be said at the beginning of every parliamentary sitting day.

The Official Politician’s Prayer

Our government, somehow elected
Delusion be our game.
My god we’re dumb
But there’s work to be done
And blame to be deflected.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our empty promises,
As we forgive those who make empty
  promises in response.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we have the Ministers,
With the power and the will
To speak bullshit
For ever and ever.
 Amen.

 Stay tuned for more policies!

More from the wobbly policy platform of WARP

Okay…not content with the first release of the 2013 WA election campaign, WARP is releasing a new set of policies. WARP used to be indecisive but we’re not so sure now, but what we are sure of are these hard-hitting new policies.

  •  WARP has seriously been considering electoral reform and will commit to having an extra blank spot on the ballot paper. This will be for the discerning voter who feels that none of the candidates that have nominated for their seat are suitable. The blank space will enable the voter to vote for whomever they would prefer to represent them in parliament. So, if you feel that Miranda Kerr, Jennifer Hawkins, Orlando Bloom, or perhaps Hugh Jackman, would be a better MP, or perhaps just a better looking one, then WARP will commit to enable you to vote for them whether they have nominated or not.
  • WARP is serious about energy conservation. WARP will commit to installing pedal-powered computers in all government offices. This will not only reduce carbon emissions, but will ensure that all public servants get a good dose of exercise and keep themselves healthy so that they can maintain a good level of red-tape.
  • WARP believes that jargon is essential for the good politician, and so all politicians will receive a dictionary of acceptable jargon. However, certain terms will be banned as they are considered over-used and redundant. These phrases are: 
    –  Moving Forward
    –  Time-poor, and
    –  Anything with the word strategic in it.

 In fact WARP will be commencing a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of our policy platform (if you know what this really means please tell us!).

The State Election is Looming!

Yes, it’s coming and everybody is excited – including all of us here at WARP. In fact I can’t tell you how excited we are…it’s embarrassing.

However, as there is an election in the wind we thought that we needed to release a few policies, as that is what political parties do. So apart from our standard policies outlined already (see post below) and all non-negotiable, we commit to the following five policies to get Western Australia up to WARP speed. More will be released later in the campaign if we can be bothered.

If elected WARP will;

  • Require all new elected members to take part in a Zombie Lurch from William Street, up St Georges Terrace to Parliament. During this lurch they must moan in their best zombie voice – “Braiins!  Braains! I need Braains! “
  • Commit to constructing a lift into space connecting Western Australia to the universe. At the top of this lift will be a ministerial office for the Minister for Interplanetary Affairs. This Minister will be in charge of all silly and inane ideas and will be formally addressed as The Space Cadet.
  • Ease congestion in the city by investing significantly in the development of flying carpets, as this will result in a signficant reduction in carbon emmissions (other than those from the terrified flyers). We have already been on fact-finding missions to Oman, Turkey and Iran to investigate options. These missions will be restrospectively charged to the taxpayer if we are elected.
  • Require that elected members observe international Talk Like a Pirate Day no matter what they have scheduled for that day – Aaaarrrggghhh!
  • Stop the boats! – by pure power of will. We will put an army of  Jedi Knights trained at the Obi-wan Ben Kenobi School of Mind Control on the coast, and they will all be saying ‘This is not the country you’re looking for!’ We feel this has as much chance of success as any of the other current policies.